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Thursday, December 22, 2011

Ed Palilla's "From the Outhouse to the Poorhouse"
Festivus for the Rest of Us

Thursday, December 22, 2011
Written by Ed Palilla, talent network news staff
Twitter @pittsburghace
Photo Sources: falselogic, mockingwords, blogs babble, nbc/seinfled

Although this weekend may be Christmas, it is also a holiday that is just as important, Festivus. As depicted by the episode “The Strike” of Seinfeld, Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23 as a way to celebrate the holiday season without participating in its pressures and commercialism. As someone who hates the pressures and commercialism of Christmas, it’s a nice fit.

Ed Palilla, Festivus, talent network news

  I do not have a 13-foot aluminum pole I purchased on line at home. Nor do I plan on doing the Festivus meal or the Feats of Strength. But I find the Airing of the Grievances to be quite important. Because I got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you're gonna' hear about it.

Ed Palilla, Festivus, talent network news

1) Christmas before Thanksgiving: On of the reasons for Festivus. Why can’t we just enjoy Thanksgiving for a day, instead of destroying it before it starts? Thanksgiving is about Black Friday shopping anymore, instead of getting together with family and friends to do something really American; Overeat and watch NFL football. 

2) Congress; Republicans; Democrats; Tax Cuts; Universal Health Care; All of it.

3)  The Rapture: Why is it that every couple years, some religious psychopath/sociopath has to come out and tell everyone the world is going to end? We need to institute some type of rule where we hook them up to a lethal injection table. Then tell them that if they are wrong we are starting the flow and they die no matter what. I bet a lot of those predictions will stop.

4) People who believed that old fool and the Rapture:
How did that whole “empty my life savings to make billboards and spend everything before I die” thing work out? These people should be prohibited from reproducing.

5) You, Kruger. My son tells me your company stinks! You couldn't smooth a silk sheet if you had a hot date with a babe...I lost my train of thought.

6) The Penguins training staff:
How can you not keep anyone on the ice? How has no one been fired from it yet?

7) Hockey Helmets: More and more people are getting knocked out, and no changes to helmets have come along. The helmets are already thin. Football has been researching and redeveloping helmets for a decade. How is hockey, especially the NHL, so far behind? Here is a great article on it.

8) Twilight: Can’t understand why it is popular. If you did what Edward did, you would have a restraining order against you. They could have at least picked a hot girl to play Bella. Kristen Stewart is not attractive and has the same emotions and acting ability as a moldy piece of cheese.

9) Kim Kardashian… actually all the Kardahsians. Go. Away.

10) You too Jersey Shore. Your run is over.

11) Courtney Stodden: The fact that I even know who you are upsets me. What has she even done other then married the creepiest guy on the planet, and how is he not registered on Megan’s Law?

12) Network Television: With how many good shows there are on cable and HBO/Starz/Showtime, why won’t they start taking some chances. It honestly seems like they just change out the actors, change the name of the show, and movie it to a different night. Rinse. Repeat.

13) Most of Hollywood: Fast Five; Green Lantern; Scream 4; Rise of the Planet of the Apes; Red Riding Hood; Green Hornet; Arthur; The Ring 3; Final Destination 5; Big Mammas Like Father Like Son. Every single one of these were movies released this year, were either remakes or another episode of a past movie, and got killed in the reviews.

14) More of Hollywood: Jack and Jill; Just Go With It; The Dilemma; Zookeeper; Drive Angry; Season of the Witch; The Roommate; The Change-Up; From Prada to Nada; Monte Carlo; Larry Crowe; New Years Eve; Shark Night 3D. These were all movies that were green lit and released this year. That is all.

15) Time Magazine: For choosing your Person of the Year to be “The Protestor”. Don’t encourage behavior that includes living in tents in the middle of a city and defecating in Ziploc bags. All they did was sit around and beg because they don’t want to work for it. Does there need to be a reform of tax reductions and write offs? Yes. But that is a conversation for another day.

    Now is the time where I would select someone to do the Feats of Strengths, but I would probably break something. Have a Happy Festivus/Hanukkah/Kwanza/Christmas, and may you enjoy what it is really about. Eat, drink and be merry with those that matter most to you.

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