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Friday, December 9, 2011

"A Biased Review" | The Black Eyed Peas

December 09, 2011 
Written by - Meat Park 
Twitter - @meatpark 

Black Eyed Peas Biased Review MeatParkHello again everyone.  I hope that you had an amazing Thanksgiving filled with family, friends and a ton of food.  There’s nothing quite like spending some quality time at home to realize why you moved out in the first place.

I am writing today to give A Biased Review of the Black Eyed Peas since they recently announced that they’d be taking a “break”.  In order to get in the proper mood to write this post, I put on a playlist of their music, so forgive me if I come across as particularly angry (I have the hate machine running at full-speed).

 First things first, to call this group of people a “band” is an insult to all true musicians around the world.  I’m not going to say that the Black Eyed Peas is the worst thing to happen to us.  In fact, I can think of a few things worse off the top of my head (the Holocaust, Politics and tofu just to name a few).  The first time I saw the Black Eyed Peas onstage I thought to myself, “This certainly can’t be real; this is a parody by some very talented comedians.”  However, I was proven wrong fairly quickly as their terrible auto-tuned voices and repetitive banal lyrics were piped through my car speakers from local radio stations at no less than 10 songs per hour.

The band was formed in 1995, so they’ve been around for over 15 years (again making me question my faith in humanity).  Since their inception, they’ve had 5 songs top the UK charts, they hold the record for having 2 songs at the top of the charts for 26 weeks and the album that contained “My Humps” went 4x Platinum.   For those of you unfamiliar with the band, they indeed have a song titled “My Humps” that is a story about the lead singer’s “lovely lady lumps.” (I wish I was making that up).

This music has begun to give me an anxiety attack, so without further adieu, here’s the review.


Lyrics – 0/5

I could write a 45-page rant about how terrible the Black Eyed Peas lyrics are.  Instead, I’ll list a few of some of the very worst that I came across:

“Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday
Friday, Saturday, Saturday to Sunday
Get Get Get Get Get with us
You know what we say say
Party every day, pa-pa-pa-party everyday”

“My hump, my hump, my hump (love),
My humps they got you,”

And finally, my two personal favorites (that I couldn’t decide between):

“Let’s get retarded ha!
Let’s get retarded in here!
Let’s get retarded ha!
Let’s get retarded in here!
Let’s get retarded ha!
Let’s get retarded in here!
Let’s get retarded ha!
Let’s get retarded in here!

“I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be, I'm a be I'm a I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.
I'm a be be be be I'm a I'm a be.”

Popularity – 3/5

I had to put in a few categories that would make sure this review wasn’t a total of 0%. This is one of the ONLY things I could think of that would rank higher than a 0 or 1.  For some reason, this band is not only popular in the US, but has also broken a few records in terms of sales and chart-topping songs.

Presentation – 0/5

Here is something about the Black Eyed Peas that always blew my mind, for being as popular as they are, their presentation is garbage.  I was subjected to them during the 2011 Superbowl halftime show, and they not only sounded terrible, but their choreography and outfits were horrible.  I’m not sure who decided that sequins, mohawks, tight pants and outfits that have Christmas lights in them were “cool,” but that fashion designer deserves to pay for their crimes.  We all would’ve benefited with a wardrobe malfunction that ended with at least one on-stage electrocution, but that’s neither here nor there.  This performance was not only disturbing to watch, but I think it knocked my IQ down 10 – 15 points.   The linked video is only ONE live performance that I reviewed, and I’m assuming there’s hundreds more like it that just disappoint from top to bottom.

I’m not going to get into it with regards to Fergie, as I have a feeling that my computer would light on fire if I talked about her.  Suffice to say, she did NOT help them in any way for this category.

Patriotism Factor – 5/5

As much as I hate to do it, this is the only category where the Black Eyed Peas get a perfect score.  As much as I dislike them, they’ve taken the fact that they have no discernible skills or talent, shoved it down America’s throat, and made millions of dollars in the process.  In this process, they have also exploited the lowest common denominator in our society, pandering to the dumbest group of people and causing the well-educated in our country to suffer.  Truly, the American Dream.

Music – 0/5

I tried to search for Black Eyed Peas – Instrumental music for this category but the internet hates this band so much it crashed my computer.  I can say that running music through a synthesizer is difficult; however I had a Casio Keyboard in 4th grade that played the music for “Boom Boom Pow.”

Street Cred – 0/5

You’re probably thinking, “Hey Meat, what gives YOU the right to judge someone on street cred?”  And that is a valid question.  To answer it, I’ll just remind you that I’m writing this post so I can pretty much do what I want.  I gave them a 0/5 on this category because I’m assuming any and all REAL bands (who play instruments, practice their craft and sing with their true voices) hate the Black Eyed Peas.  I didn’t get a chance to talk to all the bands in the world for this article, but I’d be hard-pressed to find a true musician who disagrees with me here.

Overall Score – 26%

This band is terrible.  If you are looking for good music, lyrics or presentation, there are literally THOUSANDS of groups out there that do it better than the Black Eyed Peas.  To clarify, I’m not saying that you’re a bad person for liking this band, but I AM saying that you and I probably don’t have a lot in common.  And I hope that we never have to have a conversation.

In conclusion, “I Gotta Feeling” that if this band ever gets back together I’ll be the first one to tear my radio out of my car and throw it out the window. 
Until next time, keep living the dream.



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