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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

A Letter to Ben Roethlisberger


April 14, 2010
Source Credits - Comic Bill Crawford
Topic Tags - Pittsburgh Steelers,

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DEAR BEN,

Here's a tip, when giving your SECOND public statement surrounding a sexual assault case against you, try not to look like a rapist. I know its difficult for you and that you have come a long way from the Phat Farm dress shirts and Penny Hardaway high-tops look you had going when you first entered the league (I am willing to believe that the devil tee-shirt was borrowed), but couldn't you have at least shaved? Put on a three-piece suit? Not had a ridiculously greased back Rick Flair mullet? I was so nervous you were going to end your apology by screaming "WOOOOOOO!" that I almost didn't notice your total lack of sincerity. I've seen more heart felt apologies on Sober House II. Next time you allegedly assault a chick in a bathroom somewhere, you might as well let Dog the Bounty Hunter make your statement for you. The way your look is going, people may not even realize that a swap has been made. Just have him read it in the first person and tell him to think about dropping n-bombs to get him emotional. All Bounty Hunting aside, I think we both know that there is only one way to make sure there isn't a next time Ben: STOP ACTING LIKE A JAGOFF!


Seriously dude, you have a 100 million dollar potential net worth, you are the face of the most storied franchise in football, and you live in a city where people literally rely on the Steelers for hope and happiness in their lives. No one is saying you can't have fun, but do you really need to be in a dirt bag college bar in some po-dunk town in Georgia getting blowies in a urine-puddled restroom? Your judgment is extremely questionable at best, and its time to take a look in that fogged up bathroom mirror that has confederate flag stickers and nazi quotes written all over it. You may not be guilty of rape, but you have to be responsible for the situations you put yourself in. You need to realize that your legacy and our collective future cannot afford to be put in some jager-bombed 20 year old's hands. So please STOP ACTING LIKE A JAGOFF!

20 year olds Ben? Really? I cant stand to be around drunk 20 year old chicks and I have a net worth of $153.00; they are annoying, stupid and can't be trusted. You need to adjust your scope and start sniping cougars. An older woman will let you do the dirtiest things you can think of and ADD some crap you haven’t even thought of yet; then go over the playbook with you and give you a ride to practice the next morning. A cougar knows what's up and she is down to get filthy. You need a wily old vet who's battle-tested , not a skittish rookie who's never seen a regular season snap. 20 year olds got you into this mess Ben; cougars can get you out of it. But if you do decide to continue with the club hopping, for the love of Rod (woodson) STOP ACTING LIKE A JAGOFF!


The thing you don't seem to be getting Ben is that this isn't just about YOU anymore, it’s about US. When you put on that jersey like it or not, you become a part of this family, you become part of our history, you represent a nation that spans the globe. Its goes beyond sports with this team. If you treat it with respect and honor and play your hardest, you will always be a celebrity in this town. We will eat at your restaurant even if the food is terrible, we will buy your book even if its poorly written and we will donate to your charity even if it’s not our cause. (Hell, if you make a miraculous play we will put your statue next to the Father of our nation in the Airport). But you better be humble and appreciate the privilege of playing for this organization and representing this city. People here don't expect anyone to be perfect, but they do expect someone to fully appreciate the opportunities they are given. When they feel like someone is ungrateful at every turn and acting like they are above the family code, people get pissed off. You are not above this family Ben. Redd up your act and STOP ACTING LIKE A JAGOFF!!

With love,

Steeler Nation




Thanks to Comic Bill Crawford for his creativity and providing us with this letter to Ben.

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